Hotel Bliss Guest Blog

Are you coming out or staying in?

You’ve seen someone do it. You’ve probably done it yourself. I have.

I had recently been introduced to someone by my friends, and I made the casual-yet-daring remark that I was bi. As soon as I said it, I hit myself mentally. I felt overextended, overexposed. Here was a near stranger, and I was already telling them I was bi. Is this how I want myself defined? As the bi girl?

Well, you’re probably saying, where’s the harm in that? You should be proud to be bi. And yes, I know that people tend to describe others by things like gender, sexual orientation and race. But is that the thing you want to sum up your identity? Is that how you want to be judged by others, by who you have sex with?

Love is one thing, and sharing who you love with people is quite different… but what kind of sex you have is not something people have to acknowledge you for. Many women are with men, married or dating… yet like to play with girls on the side, or have a secondary relationship with a woman… Why would you need to tell your parents you have threesomes? Who really is on a need-to-know basis about your sex life besides your lover(s) and your gynecologist? Why does being private and secret about one’s sexuality/sex life equal being ashamed of who we are? It’s not shame; it is reserving the knowledge of who we are to our lovers and friends.

It is none of your parents’ or boss’s or coworker’s business whom you have sex with. Long term relationships, marriages, those things are different. But the type of person or acts that are involved in your sex life is not their business. Do you need to know about your boss’s or parent’s sex life (besides the obvious your parents had hetero sex at least once to have you thing)?

In a perfect world, we would be loved for all the depth and breadth of who we are as people. Yet most everyone sees only a slice of who we are: who you are at your job, who you are with your parents, or your siblings, your friends, your lover, your spouse. You will show different aspects of yourself based on who you are with. That may or may not include your sexuality. You can be respected, admired, loved for an aspect of you without being loved for all of you. That is why it is so special when someone comes along who does love all of you.

Being bisexual is not the only thing that makes you lovely, lovable, interesting, sexy, or open-minded. There is much more to you than who you have sex with and someone can appreciate who you are without knowing or appreciating your sex life.

No, you can’t watch!

I had just started dating someone, when I made a big mistake. I mentioned my ex girlfriend. You could see the wheels in his mind crashing to a grinding halt. I blushed in the silence and said, “I’m bi…..” Then I added, “But I don’t do threesomes!”

His answer, “Well then, what’s the point?”

I rarely get a negative response from a man for being openly bisexual. This response really struck me. It reminds me of another, more common response: “Can I watch?”

I don’t do threesomes, and no you can’t watch. And so, the appeal of my bisexuality is lost completely on most men.

Sometimes it’s hard being a bisexual woman. We are seen as promiscuous, attention-starved means for men to live out their fantasies of two girls at once. We are seen as dishonest and that we have it “easy” because we can “masquerade” as straight and don’t have people railing against a bisexual agenda. Yet let me tell you, when a man sees no point and no beauty in your bisexuality because it isn’t serving his own sexual needs, it can make you question the point of it all and whether bisexual women have it all that “easy”.

I’m bisexual, but that doesn’t mean I am incapable of devoting myself to one person.

I’m bisexual but that doesn’t mean I want my intimate moments with the man or woman I choose to love to be put on display for someone else.

If only he knew then how much his comment had hurt me. And how often I heard it echoed in the responses of other men.

That is part of the appeal of joining a website like Hotel Bliss. Instead of having your sexuality treated like a tool for other men, it is celebrated and enshrined for what it is by other women who have been made to feel as isolated and objectified as you, yourself, have felt at times. You are not alone and you are not an object. The beauty and openness you show by being bisexual is amazing. We need more ethical, honest, lovely bi-girls like yourselves in the world.

A sigh of relief: Coming out to my friend

I went to go pick up my check, thinking I would just be in and out. In my case, nothing really goes as planned for me. I end up wandering to see my friend that is working her department. Before I can see her, I hear her lispy voice ” hi chi-chi girl!” ( she calls me that in reference to my new clit piercing). I turn and I blush in her direction. She hugs me. ” I knew it was you, because I saw that big butt of yours.” I laugh thinking about all the gossip I have heard regarding my ass from co-workers. I am not offended. I feel complimented, in fact.

So we both get to talking about plans for the weekend. I remind her of my trip to California. She beams ” you are the luckiest girl I know.” She thinks it’s admirable that my man and I have been so strong thus far in our now two-year relationship. She asks if I have been out lately. I mumble something about working and not having time. I mentioned something weird that happened one drunken night recently. Her eyes lit up. “Oh, you have to tell me!” I say ” nah, you really don’t wanna know.. you’ll probably think I am weird or something…,” I trail off. She assure me, and after five minutes of gentle prodding I admit to having a threesome. Her eyes grow large “WITH TWO GUYS?!!!!”

I say no…

She stares a second…

I say ” it was with a guy and a girl, I’m bi.”

[[[Before go on, I have to tell you that I have been so very scared to admit this important part of my life to her. She comes from a strict Christian faith background, and we will just say some things she is very close minded about So for about a month now I have been trying to be as discreet as possible on Myspace and such. I knew that when the time came, I could very well lose my new bubbly, vivacious, and fun-loving friend in an instant]]]

” Oh, that’s cool. I have a friend who gets drunk and kisses chinas..,” she says in her slight Puerto Rican accent. I start laughing so hard. Part from the relief of her not freaking out…and for her response. It was such a weight lifted. I felt this rush to my head. I didn’t drive her away after all!! I explain to her how other female friends reacted negatively to this, and how they wanted to know nothing of my being bi.

She grins at me with her mouth full of shiny cute braces ” Are you kidding me girl?, I am curious! I’ll ask you everything!” I laugh some more. She asks me if I like doing certain things to women. I am so not used to being put on the spot like that.

So I wait until the end of her shift, and we head off to our local sex shop. She’s never been. It was a first for the both of us. Two good things came out of it: coming out to my close friend Sheilla, and my new Rabbit toy = D