Excuses
Written by sybaritic on July 21, 2008 – 4:46 pm -
My thoughts on Coming Out
So far, I have only come out to one very trusted family member (out of SEVERAL…I’ve got kind of a big family) and a few close friends. Today, I was rereading Ripley’s block about bisexuality being our skeleton in the closet, and it got me thinking. I loved Bliss’ comment about the reasons bi-girls come out to their family. In some ways, I think of it almost as a test - this is who I am, will you love me anyway? Hmm…
At one point, I was talking to a then-good friend of mine who is an OUTRAGEOUSLY out of the closet and, if you will, over-the-top (as little as I like to stereotype people) lesbian. I had been having a really difficult time keeping “my secret” from everyone – it didn’t feel right. It was who I was, not a new pastime. I mentioned to her that I had been thinking about coming out to some of my family, because I was tired of having to be someone I wasn’t around them. The moment I said it, she practically flew off the handle. She was livid that I was considering coming out for such a “bullshit in-between stage” of my life. “Some people have to worry about REALLY coming out, instead of just some stupid attention stunt” is what she told me. And that, to me, was example one of why bi-girls are so afraid to come out. As of right now, we come out to people and tell them we’re bi, we’re scum in the LGBT world, and we’re sluts in the straight world. As Ripley wrote, we’re the laughing stock in regards to sexuality.
Example number two, at least in my case, is the family role. As one point while I still lived at home, my parents decided to read all of my emails – yes, all of them. Unfortunately, I had been talking to an online friend about my thoughts on my sexuality and had even gone so far as to talk about my crushes, etc. The drama that ensued is something I couldn’t wish upon anyone. There were doctors, therapists, pastors, everyone my parents could find to help me with my “problem.” I lied, cried, died a little – but managed to convince them that I thought “queerness” was an ugly sin – something I couldn’t understand or dream of experiencing. It was only a joke, just a joke. I think they believed me more out of desire for me to be their normal little girl than any finagling on my part. Beyond that, my brother is, for lack of a better term, a very gung-ho Marine – complete with extreme homophobia and all. I remember him calling to talk to me during the incident with my parents and telling me, over and over, how disappointed he was with me and how ashamed he was to call me his sister. Yeah, ouch.
After such a happily-almost forgotten memory, it’s time to move on. Reason number three (and this really only applies to those who want to live the lifestyle, if you will, publicly). I don’t know how other women feel about coming out on the job – obviously, the lovely AquaMermaid did, with mixed results (hope that’s going well, by the way). For some people, it really isn’t that simple. Through various connections of which I am somewhat ashamed, I currently work at a flagrantly Christian restaurant – one which would immediately find cause to fire me (of course, not because of my sexual orientation, but rather…I’ve all of the sudden become EXTREMELY rude and insubordinate ;)) if I ever were to reveal my orientation. In fact, there is currently a vicious (and vehemently denied – was that the right choice?) rumor going about work that I’m a straight-up lesbian, and that if the new girls don’t watch out for me, I may girl-rape them. Yeah, I know. But I work with a bunch of 16-year-olds, so I guess I can’t expect much better. As a result of the current rumor, my hours at work have been taken from a hefty 52 a week to a mere 26 as of last week. Gotta love Southern Hospitality…
And those, my dear friends, are just a few of the many excuses I have conjured up to avoid coming out to those I love. The bottom line, however, is this – I’m scared. Terrified of the repercussions, terrified that my family may shut me out completely…that and homeless just really doesn’t sound that good to me right now – unfortunately, I do need my job.
I admire, more than anything else in the world, practically, an “out” bi-girl – someone who can be open with her sexuality, no matter what the consequences. Girls like AquaMermaid, Bliss, Croftee – I envy you. You can be open, honest, yourselves with people because you know, accept and even relish the woman you are. Those of us who fear the inevitable backlash from such a freeing confession can only stare in wonder at the wonderful women who overcame their fear and self-doubt. I applaud each of you wholeheartedly.
That’s the end of my much-needed rant…almost. I need an internet connection! Libraries are LAAAME. OK, that’s really the end. 
Love to all
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Hey Sybaritic~
I am so sorry that your parents and your job are like that. The very religious side of my family have not talked about it but they alluded to my interests being worth praying over. Whatever that means. Honestly, the kind of sex you have is really none of your parents’ business. Unless you are bringing home your girlfriend, then I’d think it’d be cause for alarm. Maybe you’d like to know your parents will love you no matter what, and in an ideal world it would be true. But I don’t think it always works that way.
The kind of sex you have or who you love isn’t really your employers’ business either. It’s lovely that you are bisexual and I know you’d like to be recognized for who you are… but you don’t tell your boss or your parents everything.
If it’s really bothering you not coming out to people, just remember that they won’t always confirm your identity (like your lesbian friend). When I told my mom I was an atheist she said “No you’re not.” It’s unfair, but sometimes it’s better just to tell yourself how wonderful you are and find some people you -know- will understand you (like us).
If you do decide to come out to them, best of luck! I came out to my mom and she told me she was bi too!
(Oh, and I am saving that necklace for you, if you want it.)
Woman, you flatter me! I was honored that you read my bulletin and that it struck such a chord in you. Thank you for the love.
I think that it is difficult to balance truth and safety when living in a situation, where friends can’t fully support you (hence the so-called “bullshit in between stage”), family can’t understand you (yeah, that’s an understatement), and work can’t respect you.
I think that the most frustrating outcome of these behaviors from our surroundings is the tendency to shy AWAY from other women. The habit of zoning in on guys to date, to flirt with, to be involved with because it is SAFE. You subconsciously (and consciously, too) go for men because that’s what you are “supposed to do.” I have certainly found myself in relationships with guys thinking, “But I wanted to date his sister (haha, that’s embellishing a little, but you get my point).”
I have a few words of advise to offer if you don’t mind me forcing my opinions on you. First, read Dan Savage’s advise column called “Savage Love.” He is a gay sex/relationship columnist and he deals with kinks/coming out/fantasies/etc. I think he has snarky, fun, yet helpful advise. Also, realize that your surroundings are a huuge factor in your self esteem and ability to fulfill your desires to be a fully realized and proud bisexual woman. Have you ever considered moving away? Maybe network and find some more bi-friendly cities. Play it safe, get support from your fiance (if I’m correct to assume you are engaged-the internet tells me so), save money, and then explore other cities and lifestyles.
You are a well-versed, beautiful, quirky, smart person and you do not deserve to take any flak from anyone. You do not need someone telling you that your sexuality is wrong. I am sorry for all the pain and problems you have experienced. I feel you on that one. Stay strong, eh? And keep in touch.
<3 Ripley
I was born and raised in the bible belt of Arkansas, cotton country to boot! Oh yeah and my grandparents are evangelists and dad is a preacher…non denominational, fundamentalist, christians.
My first advice, dear Sybaritic, is MOVE to the city, the jungle, another country, anywhere but a small town in the south. Just as soon as your time/ money allows. Trust me. Your soul needs it.
The reason people in small towns are so naive is because they never left. They are lacking in culture and feel safe in their bubble. I could go on and on.
My female HS psychology teacher, whom I had a huge crush on told me this: There are two things my little girl could do to get me to disown her
1. date a black guy (though she used a diff word)
2. be gay
Disown? Psychology teacher? Disown? I had a crush on HER? That statement shook me and shed me of my crush, but broke my heart. I knew that I would be doing both in my life.
I lost my virginity to a black boy and lost it again to a girl! Hallelujah!
Know that coming out is offering your family a glimpse into your personal sex life. As long as your primary relationship is with a man, maybe it’s none of their biz. A little too much information. If you your mom really likes it up the ass…do you really need to know that? Nah. Just like the fact that you like to watch your man fuck another girl right after/ before/ while you fuck her…. it isn’t really her biz either OR your marine brother.
What is about “manly men” and their homophobia?
He’s ashamed of you cuz you like pussy? HE likes pussy! Unless, of course, he’s GAY! Maybe you should ask him if he’s killed anyone. Maybe you find that shameful and not very Christian like. whatever.
If you find yourself in a primary relationship w/ a woman and want to shout it from a mountain top….DO IT!
You are your family’s learning curve that they desperately need.
Be yourself! And relish in the fact that the old school judgemental southern/ christian mentality is dying off with their generations. God bless em’.
And those youngsters that are allowing themselves to be brainwashed in that mentality due to welcomed ignorance and pure laziness in regards to broadening their horizons….well, they WILL BE the minority.
Obviously, I have strong feeling on the subject.
I moved away from the south and will never move back. I have made peace with my southern upbringing though. I feel blessed that I was raised in a black and white world with an open mind and open eyes rather than finding comfort in being blind.
Oh my goodness. First, thank you so much for reading my blog, and I am flattered beyond blushing that you mentioned it.
Second, dear girl, I want to express how sorry I am that you have to go through all of that. Coming to terms with your own sexuality can be difficult enough without so many negative opinions coming your way.
I don’t know if you want my advice, but I just want to say that I’ve been in similar situations to yours, and what I did was the basic “grin and bear it”. I had a terrible family situation for many years and as much as I wanted to run away or tell my dad how much I hated him, I couldn’t. Like you, I needed a roof over my head and food to eat and I couldn’t support myself at 15 or 16. I hated it, I hated every moment of it, but I sat quietly, writing furiously when I was angry, and I saved every penny I ever made so I could move out on my own. I just bought a house, and I’ll be moving in about a month. Now, I don’t know what’s best for you, but certainly consider your own well being before making any rash decisions. I firmly believe that it’s none of your parents’ business who you sleep with, but if it’s that important to you to tell them, bide your time and tell them when you can know that their opinions won’t hurt you.
On that note, take some time and find people around you who feel the same way you do. It might be hard in your location, but in my experience, everyone differs from the norm, but no one speaks about it (makes you wonder how skewed our perception of the “norm” is, right?). You need all the love and support you can get, and you know all of us Hotel Bliss girls are here for you as well.
Oh, one more thing… change your passwords on your email FREQUENTLY. Like once a week. That’s just so not cool it makes my blood boil.
I just wanted to say that I admire you for posting this blog. I recently came out as a bi-girl to my best friend of about 20 years and she said to me ‘ yeah, i kinda guessed as much ‘ I laughed so much, I cried. But i would never in a MILLION years tell my family. I don’t have a great relationship with my mother and my father only recently came back into my life after 21 years. I don’t know how any of my family would take it. Keep your head up girl. We’ll all get through this together!!
xoxo
KiaLynn