Hotel Bliss Guest Blog

Excuses

My thoughts on Coming Out

So far, I have only come out to one very trusted family member (out of SEVERAL…I’ve got kind of a big family) and a few close friends. Today, I was rereading Ripley’s block about bisexuality being our skeleton in the closet, and it got me thinking. I loved Bliss’ comment about the reasons bi-girls come out to their family. In some ways, I think of it almost as a test - this is who I am, will you love me anyway? Hmm…

At one point, I was talking to a then-good friend of mine who is an OUTRAGEOUSLY out of the closet and, if you will, over-the-top (as little as I like to stereotype people) lesbian. I had been having a really difficult time keeping “my secret” from everyone – it didn’t feel right. It was who I was, not a new pastime. I mentioned to her that I had been thinking about coming out to some of my family, because I was tired of having to be someone I wasn’t around them. The moment I said it, she practically flew off the handle. She was livid that I was considering coming out for such a “bullshit in-between stage” of my life. “Some people have to worry about REALLY coming out, instead of just some stupid attention stunt” is what she told me. And that, to me, was example one of why bi-girls are so afraid to come out. As of right now, we come out to people and tell them we’re bi, we’re scum in the LGBT world, and we’re sluts in the straight world. As Ripley wrote, we’re the laughing stock in regards to sexuality.

Example number two, at least in my case, is the family role. As one point while I still lived at home, my parents decided to read all of my emails – yes, all of them. Unfortunately, I had been talking to an online friend about my thoughts on my sexuality and had even gone so far as to talk about my crushes, etc. The drama that ensued is something I couldn’t wish upon anyone. There were doctors, therapists, pastors, everyone my parents could find to help me with my “problem.” I lied, cried, died a little – but managed to convince them that I thought “queerness” was an ugly sin – something I couldn’t understand or dream of experiencing. It was only a joke, just a joke. I think they believed me more out of desire for me to be their normal little girl than any finagling on my part. Beyond that, my brother is, for lack of a better term, a very gung-ho Marine – complete with extreme homophobia and all. I remember him calling to talk to me during the incident with my parents and telling me, over and over, how disappointed he was with me and how ashamed he was to call me his sister. Yeah, ouch.

After such a happily-almost forgotten memory, it’s time to move on. Reason number three (and this really only applies to those who want to live the lifestyle, if you will, publicly). I don’t know how other women feel about coming out on the job – obviously, the lovely AquaMermaid did, with mixed results (hope that’s going well, by the way). For some people, it really isn’t that simple. Through various connections of which I am somewhat ashamed, I currently work at a flagrantly Christian restaurant – one which would immediately find cause to fire me (of course, not because of my sexual orientation, but rather…I’ve all of the sudden become EXTREMELY rude and insubordinate ;)) if I ever were to reveal my orientation. In fact, there is currently a vicious (and vehemently denied – was that the right choice?) rumor going about work that I’m a straight-up lesbian, and that if the new girls don’t watch out for me, I may girl-rape them. Yeah, I know. But I work with a bunch of 16-year-olds, so I guess I can’t expect much better.  As a result of the current rumor, my hours at work have been taken from a hefty 52 a week to a mere 26 as of last week. Gotta love Southern Hospitality…

And those, my dear friends, are just a few of the many excuses I have conjured up to avoid coming out to those I love. The bottom line, however, is this – I’m scared. Terrified of the repercussions, terrified that my family may shut me out completely…that and homeless just really doesn’t sound that good to me right now – unfortunately, I do need my job.

I admire, more than anything else in the world, practically, an “out” bi-girl – someone who can be open with her sexuality, no matter what the consequences. Girls like AquaMermaid, Bliss, Croftee – I envy you. You can be open, honest, yourselves with people because you know, accept and even relish the woman you are. Those of us who fear the inevitable backlash from such a freeing confession can only stare in wonder at the wonderful women who overcame their fear and self-doubt. I applaud each of you wholeheartedly.

That’s the end of my much-needed rant…almost. I need an internet connection! Libraries are LAAAME. OK, that’s really the end.

Love to all

Long overdue, but useful

This is mostly for Lacivia, who mentioned she would like this if it seemed to work. It does!

I’m posting a couple different recipies, but I’ll be honest, I really prefer the first one. The second one smells better, and even feels better to an extent, but there is a noticeable difference in how well it works.

Sensitive Skin Sunscreen

2 Tablespoons Cold-Pressed Castor Oil

4 Tablespoons Zinc Oxide (grr…I don’t like zinc oxide)

1 Tablespoon Arrowroot Powder

In a small bowl, mix the cator oil and zinc oxide into a smooth paste. Sprinkle the Arrowroot over the oil paste and mix again. Transfer into a sterilized, small, shallow glass jar and seal tightly. This recipe is enough for 4 applications, but you can double or triple the ingredients if you have plans for leaving on vacation, etc.

This sunscreen reflects back both UVA and UVB rays, and should be applied to skin approximately 20 minutes before you venture into sun-land. The main reason I love this sunscreen so much is it’s water-resistant and lasts all day. It’s also, as the name suggests, great for all skin types. I’ve had huge problems with sunscreen before, and have always gotten rashes, irritation, etc. whenever I wore the store-bought type. Luckily, I seem to have finally found one that works!

Moving on…

Sun Worshipper Sunscreen

1/4 Cup Darjeeling Infusion (Black tea)

1/2 Cup Cold-pressed Sesame Oil

2 Tablespoons Cold-pressed Jojoba Bean Oil

1 Tablespoon Cold-pressed Avocado Oil

Make the Darjeeling infusion by placing 5 tea bags into 3 cups of very hot (make sure it’s not boiling though, that would kill off the potency, in part) water. Leave covered to steep for 30-60 minutes. Strain by squeezing out bags and pour liquid into a sterilized glass bottle. Measure 1/4 cups of the infusion and pour into a bowl (discard the remaining tea). Add the oils and whip vigorously. Pour the sunscreen into a sterilized squirt bottle and store at room temperature. Shake well before each use. Massage lavishly before and after swimming or other exposure to sun.

As I mentioned earlier, I found this sunscreen to feel more luxurious, but not be as functional. It did seem to block the sun, but I was WAAAY to lazy to apply it each time I took a dip in the water, or went inside for a while, etc., so by the end of the day, I was one crispy cookie.

I hope you all enjoy these recipies, as I did…and just keep in mind that half the fun is really in the process of creating them. I ruined a few batches at first because I kept wanting to add other ingredients, etc. Eventually, I just realized the ingredients listed really were pretty good.

FYI, I found both of these recipes in a WONDERFUL book called Beautiful Face, Beautiful Body. I’d say check it out, but it’s out of print and I really got lucky when I found it…but if you ever come across it, get it. It’s a wonderful resource for all sorts of beauty needs.

Love to each of you!

“The Girl”

Before the story, some background information:

I was raised in a very strict fundamental Christian family, and was home schooled all of my “growing up” years. All things not strictly following the laws laid down by our church or the Bible were to be dealt with immediately and harshly. Obviously, this included bisexuality. Guess I’m outta luck!

Her name was Emilie, and I was in love. She was “The Girl” – the one that made me realize my blessing and my curse, the one that brought everything into focus just for a little while. I adored her. We had met through a mutual friend at church, and there was instantly a connection. There was so much to like! She was outrageous, blasphemous, daring – everything I wasn’t allowed to be.

I was 13 at the time, and was just becoming aware of my sexuality. As a young girl, I had no real idea what the difference was between a boy and a girl, and to be honest, I didn’t care. Isn’t that the way everybody is as a little kid? By this time, I think part of me knew I liked girls more than boys, but I was trying so hard to be the good girl, the one that my mom could be proud of (i.e. …not bisexual!), that I stifled my feelings for girls and instead went crazy for boys- but that story is for another time. Back to Emilie.

We instantly bonded and became fast friends over a single summer. We shared everything – all our girl secrets, our clothes, our lives, really. We even pretended like we were lesbians (to make the guys jealous, was our logic). Eventually, I became comfortable enough with her to share the one secret I’d kept.

I was going to spend the night at her house that evening, and was ready – even excited - to tell her. That evening was a tumultuous affair… I eventually did tell her, and she told me she was too. What terrific things I was told that night. We were made for each other; this was right, she loved me so much and had been dying to tell me. I was delighted! I had found a true confidant, and perhaps something more (in my innocence, I really wasn’t sure what more there could be, but I was sure there was something). We didn’t do anything sexually that night; we just enjoyed one another’s company and I fell even more in love. There was so much to explore with her, I couldn’t get over the depths of her personality.

About a week after I told her, we still hadn’t talked about it – which seemed a little odd. She had invited me up to her house again that weekend, and I was excited for “us time.” When I got there, she seemed so excited to see me. She even greeted me with a kiss on the lips, which was a first. We talked, watched movies, gossiped; it was just like always. The next morning, I said goodbye, still without a word about our supposed similarities in the sexual orientation department.

A few days later, she called me to tell me she wouldn’t be my friend anymore – a childish thing to do, in hindsight, but it broke my heart. She told me she didn’t really love me. She was scared of what I could make her become. I thought she was kidding. I could understand it if she’d just realized she wasn’t bi and didn’t want anything more than friendship to come of our relationship, I could even understand if she was nervous and wanted time to think. But she didn’t love me? We couldn’t be friends?

From then on, we saw each other a few times in passing – I by myself, the loner, she her true, bubbly and vivacious self, always surrounded by a half dozen or so adoring fans. On the occasions we saw each other, she would either go out of her way to avoid me or come right up to be and be so rude. It was ironic; the traits I loved most about her, her daring, her zest for everything, even her cruelty, were the things that hurt me so deeply after our short friendship ended.

Did I get over her? Yes. Have I moved on? Yes. Does it still hurt? Most certainly yes. For a long time after her, I never told anyone else my secret. I reverted back to pretending it didn’t exist – pretending I was normal. Eventually, I felt safe enough to tell again…but that story is for another time as well, maybe soon.

In all honesty, it wasn’t until the amazingly brilliant and talented Bliss Warrior befriended me on myspace that I was able to face my personal fears about bisexuality and embrace the beautiful being that I truly am.

I am still terrified of “straight” girls, though. I am constantly worrying about their every thought – do they really like me? Friends? More? Love? Nope, guess not.

To this day, I find it nearly impossible to hit on a girl; even in a bi and gay friendly atmosphere, I am nervous that I am going to find someone who gets me, only to realize they don’t, they were just pretending. Since Bliss Warrior, all that has begun to change. Every day is a new step towards what I desire to be, and every step is an exciting new adventure. Who will I meet this day? If I allow myself to be swept away, where will it take me? Now that Hotel Bliss is here, I know I have the community to fall back on, the support system I needed before I would be willing to jump. Thank you to all the wonderful girls on this site – may it bring all of you courage to take whatever steps you’ve been afraid of most. No matter what, know that we all are here, behind you, pulling you up when you fall, embracing you when you need love, sharing our hearts with you as you share yours with us.

That’s all for now…check back later for the next chapter in the life of me: The Lesbians Attack! 

Until then, my love to all of you!

Sybaritic