The Balancing Act
Written by shananigans on July 19, 2008 – 5:34 pm -Just when I thought that I got a great handle of things more or less with my comfort level of myself, something unexpected arises….
Just last week, I married the man of my dreams. He is my best friend, my companion, my everything. He has helped me immensely with my feelings and the process of which I went through of finally accepting myself without the guilt. It did not occur to me that when I got married, in some ways, this would change and morph into something that I wasn’t prepared for.
It’s not him..It’s me!
Ever since, I have felt actually guilty for being bi. Everytime I looked longer than I should have at a cute girl, I felt like I was being disloyal in some way. I do not know why this is happening. I feel like a hypocrite now, because I was this adovate of being true to oneself throught anything in any circumstance. I have gotten actually pissed at some of my friends when they did a 180 spin after they were married. Now, I feel like the biggest jackass of them all. To add insult to injury, it isn’t as if I am even mingling in the least bit. Wish to god sometimes it would be able to actually meet like girls in the flesh without worry, but now I wish girls would disappear from my sight..because I feel like I am not the wife that he deserves.. that he deserves someone who will give 100% to him. The sad part is , I don’t know what that 100% is…my love? my body? my support?
Can I get over myself?
Can I forgive myself?
Can I just realize… that I can adore both and still be a wife like any other?
Posted in Uncategorized |