Hotel Bliss Guest Blog

The Balancing Act

Just when I thought that I got a great handle of things more or less with my comfort level of myself, something unexpected arises….

Just last week, I married the man of my dreams. He is my best friend, my companion, my everything. He has helped me immensely with my feelings and the process of which I went through of finally accepting myself without the guilt. It did not occur to me that when I got married, in some ways, this would change and morph into something that I wasn’t prepared for.

It’s not him..It’s me!

Ever since, I have felt actually guilty for being bi. Everytime I looked longer than I should have at a cute girl, I felt like I was being disloyal in some way. I do not know why this is happening. I feel like a hypocrite now, because I was this adovate of being true to oneself throught anything in any circumstance. I have gotten actually pissed at some of my friends when they did a 180 spin after they were married. Now, I feel like the biggest jackass of them all. To add insult to injury, it isn’t as if I am even mingling in the least bit. Wish to god sometimes it would be able to actually meet like girls in the flesh without worry, but now I wish girls would disappear from my sight..because I feel like I am not the wife that he deserves.. that he deserves someone who will give 100% to him. The sad part is , I don’t know what that 100% is…my love? my body? my support?

Can I get over myself?

Can I forgive myself?

Can I just realize… that I can adore both and still be a wife like any other?

A sigh of relief: Coming out to my friend

I went to go pick up my check, thinking I would just be in and out. In my case, nothing really goes as planned for me. I end up wandering to see my friend that is working her department. Before I can see her, I hear her lispy voice ” hi chi-chi girl!” ( she calls me that in reference to my new clit piercing). I turn and I blush in her direction. She hugs me. ” I knew it was you, because I saw that big butt of yours.” I laugh thinking about all the gossip I have heard regarding my ass from co-workers. I am not offended. I feel complimented, in fact.

So we both get to talking about plans for the weekend. I remind her of my trip to California. She beams ” you are the luckiest girl I know.” She thinks it’s admirable that my man and I have been so strong thus far in our now two-year relationship. She asks if I have been out lately. I mumble something about working and not having time. I mentioned something weird that happened one drunken night recently. Her eyes lit up. “Oh, you have to tell me!” I say ” nah, you really don’t wanna know.. you’ll probably think I am weird or something…,” I trail off. She assure me, and after five minutes of gentle prodding I admit to having a threesome. Her eyes grow large “WITH TWO GUYS?!!!!”

I say no…

She stares a second…

I say ” it was with a guy and a girl, I’m bi.”

[[[Before go on, I have to tell you that I have been so very scared to admit this important part of my life to her. She comes from a strict Christian faith background, and we will just say some things she is very close minded about So for about a month now I have been trying to be as discreet as possible on Myspace and such. I knew that when the time came, I could very well lose my new bubbly, vivacious, and fun-loving friend in an instant]]]

” Oh, that’s cool. I have a friend who gets drunk and kisses chinas..,” she says in her slight Puerto Rican accent. I start laughing so hard. Part from the relief of her not freaking out…and for her response. It was such a weight lifted. I felt this rush to my head. I didn’t drive her away after all!! I explain to her how other female friends reacted negatively to this, and how they wanted to know nothing of my being bi.

She grins at me with her mouth full of shiny cute braces ” Are you kidding me girl?, I am curious! I’ll ask you everything!” I laugh some more. She asks me if I like doing certain things to women. I am so not used to being put on the spot like that.

So I wait until the end of her shift, and we head off to our local sex shop. She’s never been. It was a first for the both of us. Two good things came out of it: coming out to my close friend Sheilla, and my new Rabbit toy = D