Hotel Bliss Guest Blog

if you all think you have limited options…

i have had to do alot of driving around in the last two days–out to the landfill on the moon–up to the mountain and crested butte–into town a bunch–was thinking of the blogs, bulletins and thoughts people have been sharing about how to hook up..when to hook up…troubles with finding a hook up and all the above and more more more thinking—because if y’all got it rough finding bi’s and/or happy open couple out in urban sprawl–oh good grief what will happen to me here in the boonie boons–where the ration is like 8 men for every chick–in 1990 that sounded fun and funny and i arrived with a man **(which–here is a funny sideline to the story–ron and i moved to crested butte –after living together a year plus –back in 1990–we were just living together at the time–everyone laughed and said “y’all are doomed–everyone who moves here together breaks up—” WELL it took me and ron to get engaged in 92 then married inn 94 all in cb–left cb in 98 and did a southeastern stint–just to move back to the same valley–in gunni instead of exactly cb–but still participating back in cb when our divorce came to pass–and now i will be starting over in cb–divorced but i like to say single–and acknowledging being bi–all back up where they told me i shoulda never moved with a man–ha ha ha)**** i find this a fascintaing part of my life and my story and how life circles around and around on itself and you end up where you truly belong over and over again where ever you are or whwerebver that is?!

soooooooooo BACK to where was i…thinking about hook ups–i had my first after divorce hook up 6 weeks ago–it was with a MAN–many people were wondering who i would go for first–male or female–i was surprised by some of the people who want to know nothing about my sexuality usually but wanted to know “which way did you go?!” (well to be honest i went with the first person who turned me on hen i was drunk and free enough to go with it after all these years–pretty much the first guy who tried scored–ha h–but it was good–the universe gave me perfect what i needed ) i think people wondered because ultimately while my divorce happened for soooooo many reasons–there was a monet of crux/crisis/explosion when it turned out my (now ex) hubby could only cheat on me with other women–he couldn’t have a love affair with another woman with me–he got too jealous?! so my ultimately me having a girlfriend broke us up—said girlfriend and i also broke up–she lives out of state anyway–and now my first fling is said and done–and it was good in showing me contrast after 20 years what a different man may be like and perhaps even what was missing with the ex who i thought i had crazy abundant hot sex with–and yet–something happened to me when touched first by girls–and now also by a different man–leading me to know much more about the TOUCH and stuff…and what i want to look out for–

i slept cuddled up and all over the guy i fucked that one night–it was awesome good night and fun sex and i found it wasn’t as scary as i thought it was going to be to be myself with a new man after 20 years–but yeah–i slept all around him and all around me and HOLY SHIT Y”ALL–i never used to ever sleep cuddled with my ex–in fact that was a problem during 20 years–but i didn’t get that it was a problem?! and it was one for him too–but i realize now i was lulled into thinking it WAS MY PROBLEM (just like i spent 40 years no 39 years of my life–i started the healing processes at 39–until then i thought EVERYTHING was MY FAULT MY WRONG MY PROBLEM)–and writing this blog is great like cheap therapy–i slept cuddled up with my girlfriend and all curled up with her too and i even sleep that way with my dogs…GOD! GOOD THING I GOT A DIVORCE!!

so this first crush after the hubby and girlfriend was hard but so good since it taught me i can have the next new feelings and the next new everything and i want it all–the man and the woman and the wahoo and i have no idea where i stand with jealousy as i never got realy jealous and/or competitive in my whole life–been more of a giver share-er but also more of a doormat–i don’t want to be a doormat anymore and i dshine a light on the vampires that come around me now and try to not let them in anymore–no more eenergy/blood/life suckers–okay–so –so so–

so crush-a-roo is gone—leaving behind gangs of males in his wake–all of who i know in weird ways just like i knew him once i woke up–which took days–when you have had no sex and finally get some and it is good–i found you can truly fuck your brains out and it takes weeks for memory cells to fall back into place–to wake up–to remind you what and who you know–he and i have the crazierst of connections–i am lucky he wasn’t one of the other assholes in his bunch to be honest–ha ha ha–so YEAH DILEMMA–off he moves to hawaii–no i got the 8 to1 ratio still going for me–but let me tell you–these are men scared of women–they are the kind of guys in their 40s still living where the boys are and the girls ARE NOT?! in fact even the crush had got dumped by a woman he inported from his past–she couldn’t take the man-life of crested butte–AND THIS IS WHAT I AM GETTING AT–i do “get the man life” here–in fact–if crushy hadn’t moved he coulda been a good match–cuz i do get how to be that kind of girl–and i kinda like it–for me it is lots of freedom to do my own thing and also lots of time supporting dudes or dudettes who are busy being more athletic than i want to be–i love being homey home girl–doing my own thing–and get to to cook enetertain and have sex–so i don’t need the man with me 24-7 —my ex loved that freedom and loved that i gave him no rules–he just did not afford me the same carefree rules or life–somehow he had two sets of rules for us–yet i digress—that is my old story–BACK TO THE DILEMMA—which is gonna be lack of females–lack of bi-females–will be really really hard to figure that out with the whole town watching–and i already have told people–the other day–sitting in the sun shooting the shit with an old time guy friend–knew him 20 years–it came out me being BI and he shot out of his chair–apparently for a new beer and did not speak to me anymore the rest of the day but leered at me from weird corners. i DID tell my first crush the truth of my BI-ness and break up of my marriage and he liked me still and didn’t act weirdly–so going for that with next crush boy or girl!! total honesty!! don’t want a guy who gets freaky jealous like my ex or like the guy who married my girlfriend who she isn’t being honest with (the guy hooked and controlled HER by using her fear of the word lesbian against her–when he would catch her flirting with me or anything at all attention he wasn’t getting –she and i were playing not girlfriends at the time–even though it still shone through–but he decided i was a perv he would yell at her and call her a lesbian and “what team are you batting for” all abusive and i almost hit him a few times when he got in my face–but he was military and i AM GETTING SMARTER at not trying to get in physical confrontations with men–but she was scared of all that and scared of what her granny and parents think–so now she married to a guy with two exes 3 step kids–both chicks dumped him–why why marry that?! back to just have some sex! ha ha ha)

BUT I AM GOING WHERE EVERYTHING IS SMALL–no urban sprawl y’all–no bars to hide in or spy from–it is small town and home sweet home–but man–i am scared–of lack of opportunity?? or stupid bad opportunities or or or?! do you know what i mean?! even when i walked in a bar one saturday in the middle of the day with the crush–oh god–i got my head bitten off “what are you doing with HIM?!” and had to hear a rant or two–and thats how it is here–i may have moved away for awhile–but more or less i known most of these people since 1990–which is why it is home–but also why i look around and know something about something about something about everyone–and they know it about me too–they all know about my hook up ya know?! and everyone had an opinion–which in some ways makes it so good my first one could come and go in 6 weeks–but yet…still….and it played out not so good–he and i both looked like assholes from both sides too–just for pretty start to my new life–ha ha ha ha–

sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo when any of you are lonely…feeling blue…wondering how you will hook up…imagine me out here really looking for a MIRACLE and MAGIC to show up–i think 1600 people maybe live inCB? maybe 2000? i don’t know how many in gunni–beeen in rural gunni too–on 15 lonely acres–so at least will be back around people–

what a ramble…..