An Unsent Letter
Written by evokateur on May 8, 2008 – 12:04 pm -I have had two first loves. Normally, I wouldn’t say that but the quality and experience of the two were so entirely different that I don’t know if they could even be in the same category. However, I can say with authority that first loves are nearly all the same in one respect. Your first love almost never works out. I think it is because you are still learning how to deal with relationships. Or it could be that you feel far more for them than they do for you. You never fall as hard as you do for your first love. Experience teaches us how to love wisely, not blindly.
Neither of my first loves worked out. The first was with a man. I met him while we were stuck in an airport. I was fourteen and he was seventeen. 3 years later, we ended up living a 7 hour drive from one another and embarked on a relationship that lasted two years. But, like I said, you always screw up with your first love. It took me a long time to break entirely free from the wreckage.
My other first love lasted merely a few weeks. I have mentioned her in my previous blog entry: I was the last to know I was bi!. This was head over heels kind of love. I am not saying it was that kind of love that is deep and built over time, but it was crazy and boundless. They are two different kinds of love.
One day, she just disappeared. She stopped answering any e-mails. I couldn’t contact her. For months. Then she showed up on AIM one day, and we talked. She said, “Oh, I’m sorry I haven’t been around. I’ve been kind of obsessed with my new boyfriend.” I was hurt. She disappeared for a few more months. The next time I heard from her, she had moved in with him but was sad because he was more into his drugs than into her. And my heart hurt a little more. The final time I talked to her was a few months later. I asked her how she was, and she explained that her boyfriend whom she ignored me for had given her herpes. I cried. I would’ve given her the whole world, but she left me for a guy who gave her herpes. Talk about a blow to the self-esteem.
The worst thing about it was that each time I would talk to her, all those old feelings would return. If she had asked me to be with her, I would’ve done it. I wanted her to be happy and I knew I could do it. She had her own reasons for what she did, and I don’t hold it against her… but I was devastated and put off of women for quite awhile.
After we spoke for the last time, I wrote her a letter. I’ve never sent it. I’ve never let anyone read it. But I am sharing this with you because I know you will treat it with sensitivity and acceptance.
An unsent letter
For months I have pushed all thought of you out of my mind. I have succeeded only because I had plenty of admirers to distract me, yet none of them could capture my attention for long. Then you appeared out of the void, and now I cannot get my mind off of you.
I would like to say that I can think of nothing else due to the personal trials you are experiencing, but that isn’t it. What I wish to say, what my heart demands I say, is that for reasons I cannot fathom, I am still just as enamored with you as I was all those months ago.
I find myself remembering things you’ve told me about yourself when I usually have the worst memory. I find myself daydreaming of waking up to you in the morning and making love to you in a variety of ways. I know if we had continued talking, I would’ve insisted on keeping you for myself and devoting myself to you in turn. I have been scared of commitment all my life but you proved to be the exception.
I don’t mean to upset you with any of this and I’m not asking for anything either.
I just wanted to tell you that I find you endlessly beautiful and that you have awoken a passion in me that no one else could have touched upon. I don’t understand feeling so strongly for someone I barely know, but it’s there. You described the spark that some relationships have and some don’t. For me, that spark is there between you and I.
Again, I’m not asking for anything. I just wanted to reassure you that you are my inamorata, the first and only woman I have loved to these depths.
I hope that life gets better for you. I hope you find happiness because that is all I have ever wanted for you, whether I inspired it or not.
With love,
Evokateur
Posted in BISEXUALITY, LOVE |
I give much credit to you sweetie! It takes a lot to try to let go and I think you have taken an amazing step by sending this out into the world!!
I wish I had your courage. Whether you sent the letter our not, that took an incredible amount of courage to so honestly put your feelings into words and on to paper. I’ve never gotten over my first love either, the pain never really goes away, but we endure and life goes on. Stay strong and true to yourself.
Thank god for the many and varied kinds of love. Most of them hurt like hell and everyone of them is worth it.
Thanks for sharing!
Even years later, we can look back on that first love and know that it was not meant to be, or not necessarily “right”, but it is always hard to put a finger on what so entangled our hearts - what was it about the beloved that captivated our mind, soul, heart so? Why couldn’t it be kept, encouraged, built upon? Why did she have to end up with the wrong partner? Why didn’t she see what was there?
I used to think one could only fall deeply in love once - then the hurt of it wizened us and other loves wouldn’t be so strong or dramatic. But I, too, have learned we can have many first loves. And, thank goodness for that.
Thank goodness for you, dear writer.
Every post gives me so much to think about and remember.
XOXOXOXOXO
BLISS
I’m so glad people here understand what I mean about different kinds of love. Most people I try to explain it to don’t understand.
Dearest Evokateur, my heart hurts for you. I know the pain of being in love with someone, willing to give them the world, yet having to watch them hurt themselves for reasons beyond your understanding.
I know I speak for everyone on Hotel Bliss when I say I am so touched that you chose to share such an intimate piece of your heart with us. Your work always blows me away - it is so well written, yet so powerful. As bliss said, each new blog gives me so much to think about - memories, thoughts on the future, perspective on other girls. You are such a wonderful part of this site.
<3
I joke from time to time. “they always leave me. . .but they always end up regretting that decision”. And it glosses over the pain and makes it laughable because even I can’t face it. I don’t know of anyone who is a stranger to heartache. . .but I know only a few who show your amazing bravery and soulfulness. You are an amazing woman, and I just want to wrap you up and hold you.