Hotel Bliss Guest Blog

Coming out of the Compliment Closet

I’m carrying a pile of dirty plates into the dish area at the restaurant and a group of girls I work with are blocking my way. One of my male coworkers grabs two plates from me, “Let me get this for you.” After I set the rest down, the girls are still talking. I overhear them complaining about another girl we work with who is on the floor talking to a table. When the girl walks in, the others fall silent. It’s always like this; there is always one girl who is on the bad side of the rest for the week.

In college, I learned that girls are socialized to cooperate. Our childhood games, like playing house, are collaborative and involve reaching compromises. We are taught to be social and nurturing. My professors may be satisfied with that description of female behavior, but my coworkers and my high school friends tell a far different tale. When we grow out of pigtails, we enter a world in which competition vies with cooperation in the form of temporary alliances and enmity.

I brought this up to ask a simple question: when was the last time another woman complimented you? When was the last time a woman looked you in the eye and sincerely admitted to admiring something about you? When was the last time you complimented another woman? When was the last time you did it without comparing yourself to them (i.e. I wish I had such smooth skin as you do)?

I love to notice details about women. How the shade of a blouse brings out the color of her eyes, how lovely the necklace she’s wearing is, how silky her hair looks, how sensual her perfume is. I notice how graceful she moves, the notes of her laughter, the shape of her hips. Yet somehow, giving a simple compliment feels taboo. Even with your closest friends. It feels almost like too much intimacy; that I am showing a weakness or baring my heart.

How many of us only hear negative comments from other women? How does this help our self esteem? How does this help us empower one another? How can we have any sort of sisterhood when we have nothing good to say to one another?

How do we break away from this?

It’s time we invest in our self esteem enough to allow ourselves to like other women without fear that we will like ourselves less.

It’s time to come out of the “Compliment Closet” and stop being afraid of saying nice things to other women. We’re afraid they’ll think we’re coming on to them or we’re weird. We’re afraid of rejection or of our own words being used against us, but something has got to change.

I urge you to compliment one another sincerely. If you don’t feel it, then don’t say it, but if you think the shade she dyed her hair is amazing, say so. If you find yourself admiring her strength or passion, say so. Don’t be afraid of seeming silly. The genuine smile that lights her face is worth the risk.

Try to find something nice to say about every woman you meet. You don’t have to constantly be saying it out loud, but keep it in mind. You may assume your friends know you like them. It may be that they don’t know that you think that they are a great friend. Or maybe they just want to hear it. Tell them how lovely they are and how much you appreciate them. The positivity that you radiate will be reciprocated.

I say this as much for my benefit as for yours, and I am so grateful I now have a community like Hotel Bliss that exudes such positivity and admiration for one another. I hope we can maintain that attitude as we grow. I get perverse pleasure from quoting a Puritan but we are a city upon a hill. You ladies are shining examples for me and for others, so let’s show how wonderful, uplifting, creative, beautiful, and ethical bi girls can be.