Are you coming out or staying in?
Written by evokateur on July 22, 2008 – 9:12 pm -You’ve seen someone do it. You’ve probably done it yourself. I have.
I had recently been introduced to someone by my friends, and I made the casual-yet-daring remark that I was bi. As soon as I said it, I hit myself mentally. I felt overextended, overexposed. Here was a near stranger, and I was already telling them I was bi. Is this how I want myself defined? As the bi girl?
Well, you’re probably saying, where’s the harm in that? You should be proud to be bi. And yes, I know that people tend to describe others by things like gender, sexual orientation and race. But is that the thing you want to sum up your identity? Is that how you want to be judged by others, by who you have sex with?
Love is one thing, and sharing who you love with people is quite different… but what kind of sex you have is not something people have to acknowledge you for. Many women are with men, married or dating… yet like to play with girls on the side, or have a secondary relationship with a woman… Why would you need to tell your parents you have threesomes? Who really is on a need-to-know basis about your sex life besides your lover(s) and your gynecologist? Why does being private and secret about one’s sexuality/sex life equal being ashamed of who we are? It’s not shame; it is reserving the knowledge of who we are to our lovers and friends.
It is none of your parents’ or boss’s or coworker’s business whom you have sex with. Long term relationships, marriages, those things are different. But the type of person or acts that are involved in your sex life is not their business. Do you need to know about your boss’s or parent’s sex life (besides the obvious your parents had hetero sex at least once to have you thing)?
In a perfect world, we would be loved for all the depth and breadth of who we are as people. Yet most everyone sees only a slice of who we are: who you are at your job, who you are with your parents, or your siblings, your friends, your lover, your spouse. You will show different aspects of yourself based on who you are with. That may or may not include your sexuality. You can be respected, admired, loved for an aspect of you without being loved for all of you. That is why it is so special when someone comes along who does love all of you.
Being bisexual is not the only thing that makes you lovely, lovable, interesting, sexy, or open-minded. There is much more to you than who you have sex with and someone can appreciate who you are without knowing or appreciating your sex life.
Tags: BISEXUALITY, coming out, staying in the closet
Posted in BISEXUALITY |
I know what you mean. I have definitely made the mistake of telling the wrong people about my sexuality. The subject does lead to very personal questions that aren’t just anyones business.
I agree with you on most of your points except this one: “if it’s in the top 5 list of self-describing adjectives you have for yourself…I think you have a problem.”
I may not tell everyone that bisexuality is in my top 5, but the truth is, it is. I do believe that being bisexual does help describe who I truly am and only recently have I come to terms with that. The term and all it encompasses helps me to fully understand some of my personality traits that used to be mystery to me.
This is a big subject. I’ll make some coffee and come back to it.
xoxox,
Jungle Jane
The reason I made that comment was because I don’t like when people use one group that they belong to to define who they are as people. Yes, being a woman changes who I am… being a bisexual woman affects who I am further… And these are important things… but when you make it one of your -defining- characteristics, you are not saying that being bi is normal, you are saying that it is what makes someone special.
Now maybe you can describe yourself as very sexual, or open-minded.. and that’s what you mean when you self-describe as being bisexual…you have your own associations with the word bisexual that very few other people have. Because everyone assumes sexual orientation means the kind of sex you have; sexual orientation does not confer a set of personality traits onto someone. People are not defined as who they are by what kind of sex they like. Nor do I think they should be. And that is pretty much the larger statement of the entry.
It is important for me to mention to some people. Simply because I have serious relationships with women AND I am married. So does my husband. I do not just have sex with women on the side. But bi-sexuality is not the first thing I mention or even the top five. Polyamory IS in my top five because for us it isn’t about sex it’s about love. But I SO agree with you about who and how often we are to mention our sexuality. I don’t want to be defined that way but at the same time sexuality is a HUGE part of who I am too…..
Ahhhh, isn’t life complicated? Lovely!
I think sexuality can be a large part of who you are without it being the -defining- characteristic.
I get your point Lacivia, but I do have a problem with people who use polyamory or dominant/submissive as one of their top characteristics. I suppose it helps to let people know what kind of life you lead up front.. but it still makes me think it’s an unwarranted invitation into someone’s private life. The wonderful thing about this website is that it shows that being bisexual doesn’t make you one certain way. We have so many different yet wonderful kinds of ladies on here, all ages all races all kinds of interests (though heavily skewed to the more girlie). That is what makes me interested in the people here, not just because they’re bi. If I knew someone who hung a big sign around her neck saying “I’m bi” and embraced every stereotype that went with it to try and fit what “being bi” meant I wouldn’t be interested in them at all. And I think that goes for almost anything: musical tastes, hobbies, orientation, age.
yes, i agree, i don’t like people who wear signs around their neck proclaiming what they are like…. that is, I think I don’t like them….i’ve never exactly SEEN anyone wearing such signs.
I think if you “have a problem’ with people who use whatever terms to describe themselves, maybe it’s your problem and not theirs.
I don’t see any unwarranted invitation unless, of course, the comment start with ‘you are invited into’ my poly, bi, sub etc. sex life.
I know you aren’t meaning to be abrasive, Evokateur, nor am I, but when you say “you have a problem” it might come off that way.
We are all in this Hotel for a common interest: loving ladies Let’s love and be proud of proclaiming our sexualities to whom ever we see fit to.
It is just my opinion.. I don’t treat people differently based on them telling me things about their sex life. I’m just saying that most people will and it makes someone seem one-dimensional to define themselves by their sex life.
I just wanted to say that coming out to your parents or coworkers or random strangers doesn’t make you more proud of your bisexuality than the girl who only tells her closest friends and her lovers.
You meaning the general you by the way, not you specifically dear.
oh, and I deleted the note because this discussion is distracting from the point mentioned in the second paragraph of the comment above this one.
I agree it doesn’t make you more proud, and believe me I do understand your points and agree with a lot of them. Please understand I didn’t think you were abrasive at all.
For me and my husband it is more about how often we have been hurt by so called friends because of our beliefs. I personally do tell people about us now more in the beginning simply to weed the ass holes out. We have lost many friends and jobs because of people finding out on their own or some sort of gossip line. I like to nip it in the bud and not have any time wasted by trying to build friendships with people. I put a lot into my friendships, if you are my friend you are my family to me. So the pain I feel by those who simply are cruel because they can’t understand loving many people I don’t want to do it.
I so agree it doesn’t make you more proud to come out and it doesn’t make you less not to. For me it avoids a lot of bull shit later in the road. Mind you this is a new philosophy for us because of the things we have gone through together. And now that we do things that way we have actually found the most loving accepting friends we have ever had. It doesn’t work that way for everyone but it’s working for us. I don’t think that makes us one dimensional, by any means, having our polyamory being one of the main discussions we have with people.
You know Lacivia, you bring up a great point. I have done that in the past with a long distance relationship. I would make male friends, but then I would be very straight up and tell them.. “Look I’m dating someone already and I’m not looking to change that.” Most of them stopped talking to me. This actually hurt my feelings for quite a long time. But it did help me avoid situations in which I found out later and would have to deal with the fall out.
Getting people to understand polyamory is even harder than getting them to understand bisexuality, I think.. so I applaud your openness with people. But I also think the people who decide not to tell people are also trying to avoid dealing with problems.. in their own way.
I still think that inviting someone into the details of your sex life is inappropriate for those who would rather not or don’t need to know. But this also depends on both you and the other person and each person needs to make that judgment call for themselves.
A few people at work know I am bi. My mom knows I am bi. Some of my friends, my exes, and my current boyfriend know I have been in polyamorous relationships before. But my dad and my younger sisters know nothing of either. It’s just a choice I made to avoid conflict. I’d like to think I am proud of my decision. Some people just will never understand no matter how hard you try. And I think that’s what we are both saying. But you confront them head on.. saying if you don’t like this part of me we can’t be friends… when I am saying that some people can love you and care about you without loving the part of you. It’s unfortunate that they feel the need to go digging around for info on you L, or listen to rumors.
Anyways, you have great comments.
Oh I so agree and glad you understand that point. The people in my life I don’t tell are either such rare casual acquaintances there is no point. Not to mention I had just came out to my mother last fall even though most everyone else new.
People do and don’t tell for there own reasons and all of them are valid in my opinion. xoxo
Most of my co-workers and my friends are finding out that Im Bi, I do have a gf,that I spend time with.Weve chosen to keep it open and date others,so Im pretty much single for now.
I was recently at a Bachelorette party celebrating the soon to be marriage of my classmate that Ive known since I was 11!Her Mother pointed out that “Oh so and so is a lesbian and I,without a second thought said “Thats ok,Im bi!!” turned out the gal and I had went out on a couple dates earlier,to see if we were compatible.(Were not)
Coming out of the closet was the best thing I have ever done,and if more people came to terms with who they are,wouldnt this be beautiful place to live??
Basically,Im proud of who I am,and not ashamed of my sexual preferances!!
Woo hoo Simba!
My point was that staying in the closet doesn’t necessarily mean that you are ashamed of who you are. And that privacy about your personal life isn’t a bad thing. It’s one thing to be open about who you love, but many bi women are with men as their primary relationship but still are interested in girls. If this is true, the gender of who you could potentially love is not really a concern of the people around you, and whether or not you have threesomes or an open relationship is not necessarily their business either. My point is that everyone is different and that we should be proud of those who can live their life openly and honestly without making the people who keep their private life….well, private feel inferior or that they are ashamed because they make a choice not to tell certain members of their family, friends, and/or co-workers. And that sometimes an excess of pride comes off as being confrontational. Instead of defense, it becomes offense. I think there is room for both sides, those who come out and those who stay in and that those who stay in aren’t necessarily harming themselves or the “bi agenda” in doing so.
btw, it’s wonderful to know that you are proud and I am glad coming out has worked out so well for you. Thank you for sharing.