Hotel Bliss Guest Blog

Sexual Scripts

I am a terribly infrequent blogger~

What are sexual scripts?

In cognitive psychology, a script is a framework of information in your mind for a certain person, place, thing, or situation. It represents how things are supposed to happen. They are good because they help us learn and structure our experiences. They can be negative or have negative consequences.

A script for a fast food restaurant may go like this:

1. walk in the door
2. if there’s a line, wait in line.
3. when it is your turn, order from the menu that is above the cash register.
4. pay what the cashier tells you is your total.
5. wait for them to put together your order.
6. pick it off the counter and leave through the door you came in.

A part of social censure (or comedy) is doing things that don’t fit the script. What if I threw my bag of food to the ground? What if I cut in line? People get upset when others don’t stick to the script. It’s unexpected, and sometimes that is a big part of comedy.

Now, apply this to sexual scripts. Sexual scripts are the same thing applied to sexual activity. It is also related to gender scripts. When you go to a restaurant, who pays? What makes it a date versus dinner with a friend? If a woman invites you into her apartment, what is she conveying? Maybe she wants to continue the conversation or maybe it’s a sign she wants sex. What if one person interprets it an entirely different way than you meant it? Or what if you misinterpreted their signals? Most people have experienced this at some point.

How do we learn sexual scripts?

Scripts are learned through imitation. When you think of imitation, you might be tempted to think we learn our sexual scripts from our parents or from our peers. This is a really common belief for any kind of socialization. When it comes to sexual scripts, I tend to think these two groups have less of an influence than in other areas. How often did your parents go on a date in front of you? How often did you see their foreplay and how they initiated sex? Chances are they kept it pretty hidden, or you just didn’t notice it because you were too young.

I know it’s cliche to blame the media for the oversexual nature of our culture. This isn’t about blame and it’s not about some giant media presence. It is about specifically about movies, TV shows, and books. Not advertisements, music, or clothing. The nature of scripts translates well to the idea of movie or TV scripts. Books too correspond to that sequential nature of how things are supposed to happen. That is what scripts are all about. (I personally think they are less powerful in that they are not as visual, and so do not convey a lot of non-verbal cues that go into sexual scripts.)

Children and teenagers learn about sex through movies and TV shows.

Some scenes from movies:

A woman stands in the doorway, maybe she leans against it. She is dressed in lingerie or something else appealing. The man is on the bed. Is she communicating she wants some form of sex?

A man and woman stand facing each other. They pause their conversation and you can feel the tension. Are they about to kiss? Or maybe he puts his hand under her chin or at the nape of her neck and looks at her. You know the kiss is coming next.

She hesitatingly says, “Do you want to come up?” Or maybe he says, “Would it be presumptuous if I ask to come up?”

Standing on the doorstep, the girl says “I had a really nice time tonight.” The man kisses her before he leaves.

And whether or not you acknowledge it, these are the scripts we internalize. When it happens in real life, you recognize the step that comes next and it is up to you whether to follow the way it is supposed to happen or not. This isn’t peer pressure, this is social pressure. It is a kind of snowball effect: art imitating life and life imitating art.

Gender Scripts

Sexual scripts are usually gender based. What does a man do versus what does a woman do? During a heterosexual date, think of some gender stereotypes. The man pays. The woman orders a salad (or has a hard time ordering). The man subtly or not so subtly initiates the physical contact, the woman determines how far they go. The man decides where they’ll go, he asks in the first place. The woman waits for the call for days after, for the guy to ask her on another date.

Examples of Gender-based Scripts

Male: A man initiates sex

A man always has an orgasm

A man always wants sex and is always ready to have it

A man doesn’t express his feelings

Female: Good girls don’t masturbate

A woman shouldn’t demand an orgasm

There’s only one right way to have an orgasm and

Sex is a terrible thing, until you’re married and then you’re supposed to like it

Bisexuality/Homosexuality and Sexual Scripts

The reason I bring this all up is that these scripts are all heteronormative and it is incredibly daunting as a bisexual or homosexual person. You have almost no information or framework with which to approach dating someone of your own gender. This is partially the root of the terms butch, top, and bottom. Instead of creating their own scripts, a woman or man will assume the traditionally male or female role in the relationship. They’re either the “aggressive” one or the “passive” one.

This leads to many questions that I’ve even seen asked here: how does someone meet a girl? How do you know if she’s interested? What signals are we supposed to read? If women are socialized to wait until someone asks her out, how is a woman supposed to know how to ask another woman out?

What we need are more television shows and movies that deal with homosexuality and bisexuality. We need “gay” romantic comedies. And don’t worry, we’re getting there. But these will largely help the bi girls of tomorrow. What about those of us who have already grown up?

Contemporary Sexual Scripts

This may sound rather negative, but never fear…. There are some new sexual scripts, not as well known, that are beginning to replace those I’ve already mentioned. The great news? They are considered androgynous.

Some contemporary social scripts:

Sex is a mutual activity that is supposed to produce mutual pleasure

Each person bears the responsibility for their own and their partner’s pleasure

Each person communicates about their likes and dislikes

Either person initiates sex

It isn’t always easy, but sometimes we have to re-learn our scripts or replace them outright. Unfortunately, I think movies are lagging behind and are continuing to teach harmful, outdated, gender and hetero-biased sexual scripts because they are simple to convey and most people recognize their elements immediately. We need more androgynous and/or pro-bisexual and pro-homosexual sexual scripts in movies and TV shows that are treated as normal, not special, pathological, or boring.

So, do you have any examples of any? Or any comments? Or do you disagree with any of this?

Are you coming out or staying in?

You’ve seen someone do it. You’ve probably done it yourself. I have.

I had recently been introduced to someone by my friends, and I made the casual-yet-daring remark that I was bi. As soon as I said it, I hit myself mentally. I felt overextended, overexposed. Here was a near stranger, and I was already telling them I was bi. Is this how I want myself defined? As the bi girl?

Well, you’re probably saying, where’s the harm in that? You should be proud to be bi. And yes, I know that people tend to describe others by things like gender, sexual orientation and race. But is that the thing you want to sum up your identity? Is that how you want to be judged by others, by who you have sex with?

Love is one thing, and sharing who you love with people is quite different… but what kind of sex you have is not something people have to acknowledge you for. Many women are with men, married or dating… yet like to play with girls on the side, or have a secondary relationship with a woman… Why would you need to tell your parents you have threesomes? Who really is on a need-to-know basis about your sex life besides your lover(s) and your gynecologist? Why does being private and secret about one’s sexuality/sex life equal being ashamed of who we are? It’s not shame; it is reserving the knowledge of who we are to our lovers and friends.

It is none of your parents’ or boss’s or coworker’s business whom you have sex with. Long term relationships, marriages, those things are different. But the type of person or acts that are involved in your sex life is not their business. Do you need to know about your boss’s or parent’s sex life (besides the obvious your parents had hetero sex at least once to have you thing)?

In a perfect world, we would be loved for all the depth and breadth of who we are as people. Yet most everyone sees only a slice of who we are: who you are at your job, who you are with your parents, or your siblings, your friends, your lover, your spouse. You will show different aspects of yourself based on who you are with. That may or may not include your sexuality. You can be respected, admired, loved for an aspect of you without being loved for all of you. That is why it is so special when someone comes along who does love all of you.

Being bisexual is not the only thing that makes you lovely, lovable, interesting, sexy, or open-minded. There is much more to you than who you have sex with and someone can appreciate who you are without knowing or appreciating your sex life.

Sex Takes Too Long!

“I want an orgasm every day.”

My boyfriend’s eyes widened, as if I had made a completely unreasonable request. We were discussing how much sex was enough. He said, “I don’t think I could have sex every day.”

In our culture, there seems to be relatively little middle ground for sex. It’s either missionary position in the dark once a month, or it’s 3 times a day. We’re considered prudes, Puritanical, and frigid if we don’t want it all the time. And if we do want it all the time, we’re slutty and sex-crazed. Or what if we’re just those normal in-the-middle people who don’t mind having sex a lot but know that life, jobs, children, etc. get in the way sometimes?

Does scheduling sex make it less romantic and more of a command performance? Or what if you have a routine, every monday wednesday and friday is sex night. Does that make it boring? When you’re in love, it’s easy to make time to make love. But what happens when you settle down and the mundanity of life starts kicking you, and you’ve got appointments and laundry and have to be up early? How do you make time without feeling as if you planned it?

It seems impossible. With the time conscious nature of our society, we’re always going to have one eye on the clock.

Here’s my scheduling techniques to make sex not another item on your to do list after grocery shopping and before vacuuming.

1. Don’t make time for “sex”, make time for your partner.

Set aside some time to just spend with your partner. Go out on a date. Make a special dinner. Share a bath. The point is not doing what you’re doing: bathing, dining, etc. The point is doing it with the other person. Keep that in mind. Don’t ever talk about your to-do lists. When people live together they tend to talk at them in terms of what needs doing around the house, and what they’re going to do, and what the other person needs to do. This is functional, informative conversation. When you talk about how your day was, or that trip you want to take, or about your dreams (most adults think they’re too old to have aspirations still, like they need to be LIVING them already)… that is what fosters intimacy. Intimacy increases your desire to have sex.

2. Make sex one of your hobbies.

If you have a lot going on, like me… balancing a partner, a job, school, and all your hobbies (like jewelry making) is a hard thing to do. If you spend hours every night playing games or watching TV, or making jewelry, remember that sex is a great hobby (makes you happy *and* burns calories).

3. Say yes to quickies.

I don’t like being late, or sometimes I just want to go to bed. But my boyfriend knows when to not take no for an answer. Responsibility is a good thing, but there’s a time and place to set it aside. And when your man has pinned you to the wall and is sliding your clothes off… that’s probably not the time to be bringing up all the clothes that need folding. Remember that you have important things that need doing, and those are priorities.. but sex is also important and a priority. It is not something that can be skipped over.

4. Set your own quota.

Don’t pay attention to how much sex you think the neighbors are having, or how much you had in your last relationship, or how much I’m having. Are you happy with how much -you- are getting? Are you satisfied? Each relationship is different. There are some where you can have it everyday and still want more, and you can be with someone and have it once a week and be satisfied. It all depends on you, your partner, your age, and how much you’ve got going on in your life. It’s no big deal. And remember, it’s nobody’s business but your own.

That being said, I would still love it if you ladies would share your thoughts on this. Whether you sometimes feel you’re not getting enough, or you want too much and how you cope with juggling sex and the rest of your lives.

Oh, and don’t forget:

5. Just relax.

The more you stress about sex, the less you’ll want to have it. Just let it go. Don’t worry over it. If you’re stressing, I suggest you and your partner put more foreplay into your relationship without expecting sex at the end. Touch one another as you pass them in the house. Hold hands while you’re on the couch. Make out like teenagers. Just have fun with it

<3 E

Strip Clubs Are Great Fun for Bi-Girls

Note: Hey everyone, I’m sorry this is not horribly insightful and late. I don’t like the new blog editor very much. <3 Evokateur

It was a Saturday night. I had worked a double (a day and night shift) and was kind of wary about going out, but my boyfriend offered to take me to Sex and the City. “Don’t tell me you don’t want to see it.” When I first mentioned it, he was adamant that he wouldn’t go with me. Now he’s insisting he’ll take me. We go to see it and it is much longer than I was expecting. He kept his arm around me and when we got out he mentioned that it hadn’t been as bad as he was fearing.

As we’re walking back to the car, he slyly suggests that we go to a strip club. He knew I had never been, and I knew without looking that he was glancing at me hopefully. This was his plan, I thought, to take me to something girly so I’ll go do this… But I want to. It is only one in the morning and I want to see some beautiful girls dancing for me…

We drive across town and talk about a new law that is on appeal that would make strip clubs impossible to operate in city limits due to a lot of silly rules.

He says when I walked in to the club and finally got a good look, my eyes went wide. He laughed and found some seats for us right at the main stage. The music is loud but it doesn’t feel over loud which is great. My eyes are drawn to the ladies dancing on stage, but I also notice other small things that I doubt my boyfriend sees. How each girl has their own personality, attitude and approach.

One girl crawled towards me, smiled and tucked a dollar bill in the top of my cleavage. “Have fun!” she said and went over to the next person. I was a little in shock. The next girl leaned towards me and licked the tops of my breasts while my boyfriend laughed at the obvious effect it had on me.

My boyfriend and I sat there for two hours, his arm around me. I looked on as he got his face rubbed between several girl’s breasts and he watched as they rubbed, touched, and teased me.

I wanted to practice my philosophy of complimenting women on these girls, how one smelled, or her hair, her corset, her boots. It seemed somehow appropriate and inappropriate to do so. Unfortunately I was too shy. But the next time I go back I will compliment them.

We both agreed that strip clubs don’t really objectify women. Each one still brings her own personality to it. Each one chooses which customers to go over to, and what to do in front of them or with them. If anything, I could see how men in there are kind of degraded and objectified. It was hard to see the girls as just bodies when one came over to us last and apologized, “I’m sorry I didn’t see you because of the light right here.” Or the one who smiled brightly and asked us how our night had been.

I finally began to get a headache. And teasing is only fun for so long. We drove home, and I could barely keep my hands off him. He asked me, “Are you really okay we went?” And I said I had a great time. And he explained, “If you had been any of my ex girlfriends there would’ve been hell to pay.” I assured him I was not like that.

As we walked in the door, I was emboldened by what I had seen to take my clothes off and display my body for my boyfriend. That night was the first time I ever heard of him talk of bringing another girl into things… He told me how hot it had been to see them paying attention to me. I didn’t get to bed until 5:30 in the morning, but it was worth it. Some of the best sex I have ever had…

So if you’re a bi girl, I suggest you go to a strip club at least once with your man. It is a lot easier to feel comfortable with your man going if you are right there having fun too. Or if he doesn’t want to go, take your girlfriends! That’s actually a trend with girls my age who don’t consider themselves bisexual, to go in groups to the strip club. That’s a great way to figuring out if any of them are into girls.. And afterwards, go home and have great sex!

Getting Dressed Up for Myself

It’s a quiet afternoon and no one is in the house. I fidget in my computer chair because all of a sudden I am in the mood to pleasure myself. I strip myself down and stalk into my closet to find something to wear for myself. I pick my clothes more carefully than when I go on dates. I have worn my lingerie more for myself than anyone else.

I’ve selected a corset and I am pulling on thigh high stockings when I begin debating wearing underwear or not, and my body gives a little shiver. Just the preparation for myself is foreplay. When I am done, I look at myself in the mirror. Finding women attractive, I can appreciate being sexy and looking at something I find sexy…

I begin to fantasize as I watch myself. I am running my hands over myself, enjoying the feeling and thinking of both doing it and having it done to me. I pull each piece of clothing off in a slow, deliberate way that no one else can quite manage in terms of anticipation and sensuality.

There are times in which this is enough, just the way I undress myself is enough to send me over the edge but it always leaves me wanting more and maybe a half hour later I will be pleasuring myself again.

If you’ve ever dressed up just for the hell of it, then you might know what I mean. Dressing up for yourself is sometimes the perfect complement to self-pleasure. You do it for your lovers, but you are also your own lover.

Sometimes, we become too focused on pleasing our partners and masturbation is seen as a second-best alternative to the emotional and physical intimacy you have with your partner. Yet masturbation is important in its own right. Wooing yourself is important to a healthy self-image. Dress up for yourself.

How gratifying is it, to look in the mirror and realize how sexy you are? To get pleasure from realizing what a goddess you are?

It is vital to know the path to pleasure, to traverse it often alone and enjoy the discovery of all that is sensual and unique about yourself.

An Unsent Letter

I have had two first loves. Normally, I wouldn’t say that but the quality and experience of the two were so entirely different that I don’t know if they could even be in the same category. However, I can say with authority that first loves are nearly all the same in one respect. Your first love almost never works out. I think it is because you are still learning how to deal with relationships. Or it could be that you feel far more for them than they do for you. You never fall as hard as you do for your first love. Experience teaches us how to love wisely, not blindly.

Neither of my first loves worked out. The first was with a man. I met him while we were stuck in an airport. I was fourteen and he was seventeen. 3 years later, we ended up living a 7 hour drive from one another and embarked on a relationship that lasted two years. But, like I said, you always screw up with your first love. It took me a long time to break entirely free from the wreckage.

My other first love lasted merely a few weeks. I have mentioned her in my previous blog entry: I was the last to know I was bi!. This was head over heels kind of love. I am not saying it was that kind of love that is deep and built over time, but it was crazy and boundless. They are two different kinds of love.

One day, she just disappeared. She stopped answering any e-mails. I couldn’t contact her. For months. Then she showed up on AIM one day, and we talked. She said, “Oh, I’m sorry I haven’t been around. I’ve been kind of obsessed with my new boyfriend.” I was hurt. She disappeared for a few more months. The next time I heard from her, she had moved in with him but was sad because he was more into his drugs than into her. And my heart hurt a little more. The final time I talked to her was a few months later. I asked her how she was, and she explained that her boyfriend whom she ignored me for had given her herpes. I cried. I would’ve given her the whole world, but she left me for a guy who gave her herpes. Talk about a blow to the self-esteem.

The worst thing about it was that each time I would talk to her, all those old feelings would return. If she had asked me to be with her, I would’ve done it. I wanted her to be happy and I knew I could do it. She had her own reasons for what she did, and I don’t hold it against her… but I was devastated and put off of women for quite awhile.

After we spoke for the last time, I wrote her a letter. I’ve never sent it. I’ve never let anyone read it. But I am sharing this with you because I know you will treat it with sensitivity and acceptance.

An unsent letter

For months I have pushed all thought of you out of my mind. I have succeeded only because I had plenty of admirers to distract me, yet none of them could capture my attention for long. Then you appeared out of the void, and now I cannot get my mind off of you.

I would like to say that I can think of nothing else due to the personal trials you are experiencing, but that isn’t it. What I wish to say, what my heart demands I say, is that for reasons I cannot fathom, I am still just as enamored with you as I was all those months ago.

I find myself remembering things you’ve told me about yourself when I usually have the worst memory. I find myself daydreaming of waking up to you in the morning and making love to you in a variety of ways. I know if we had continued talking, I would’ve insisted on keeping you for myself and devoting myself to you in turn. I have been scared of commitment all my life but you proved to be the exception.

I don’t mean to upset you with any of this and I’m not asking for anything either.

I just wanted to tell you that I find you endlessly beautiful and that you have awoken a passion in me that no one else could have touched upon. I don’t understand feeling so strongly for someone I barely know, but it’s there. You described the spark that some relationships have and some don’t. For me, that spark is there between you and I.

Again, I’m not asking for anything. I just wanted to reassure you that you are my inamorata, the first and only woman I have loved to these depths.

I hope that life gets better for you. I hope you find happiness because that is all I have ever wanted for you, whether I inspired it or not.

With love,
Evokateur

Lover and Beloved

Hello everyone, sorry for the long silence. I have been incredibly busy. <3 Evokateur

Lover and Beloved 

Do movies inform our opinions on how life should be, or do they reflect what we think life should be like? Maybe it’s both.

I ask, because I have been thinking about romantic movies lately. Can you remember the last one you saw? Boy wants girl, boy chases girl, boy messes up but eventually repairs things. Boy chases girl. And for many women, this is how it should be. This reflects how we are raised and what we expect out of romance. A man is supposed to ask a woman out.

Now think about the last movie you saw where a woman has an obvious interest in a man. She will do one of three things. The more common one is that she is a part of the movie from the previous paragraph and will blush and stammer demurely and wait for her Prince Charming to make a move. Then there’s the smoldering temptress who is almost alarmingly forthright and is trying to take the guy’s pants off as soon as look at him. But face it, how many women are actually like that and not the byproduct of fantasy?

Then the most insulting option of all, the girl who tries too hard. She’s the girl who offers to help him whenever he needs it and throws herself out there to show him she’s into him. This is almost always portrayed as negative, clingy, needy, and desperate. This just reinforces the idea that the girl who gets the guy is the one who sits around and waits for him.

Now, as a bi-girl I want you to think about the implications of this for your love life with other women. You are both raised with the expectation that you will be pursued.

This brings me to the important, rather poetic duality of relationships: the lover and the beloved.

Usually women expect to be the beloved. The beloved is the object of adoration, the person being chased, the subject of poetry and love letters. Some of the most beautiful art has been created for and about the beloved. The lover is the troubadour, the seeker of love, the creator of beautiful things, admirer of the beloved. They are the one that chase. I doubt you could be a poet without having some of the lover in you. As an aside, my sociology of love professor mentioned that loving someone was far more important an experience than being loved.

Now, while you can be both lover and beloved in one relationship, it is rather unlikely for two people expecting to be the beloved to start a relationship. You both are expecting the other to make the first move. The lovely woman you’re admiring from afar may be doing the same thing to you, waiting for you while you’re waiting for her.

Don’t you hate feeling so passive? In the past, I have felt almost like men are cheated because the female body has so many wonderful things to adore about it. Most men will not let you explore and enjoy the majority of their body. So, women become the receivers, the beloved, in sex as well as in relationships in general. When two women get together they have to overcome this expectation and routine that their partner will do most of the work.

And yet I say a resounding no to this vision of the way it is supposed to be. I am not just going to sit there and wait. There is nothing wrong with being pursued and being loved. But loving and pursuing the object of your desire in an active, not passive, way… It has its place and its moments in your life.

Wanting and pursuing someone does not make you desperate. It does not make you sad. You are richly sensual with powerful desires. You are an Amazon, hunting out your quarry. You are a troubadour, for some of the troubadours were women disguised as men, searching always for your lady love.

Sometimes it’s not enough to be beautiful and be loved; sometimes you have to worship the beauty in others.

So… go be a tiger and chase down that lovely deer.

Coming out of the Compliment Closet

I’m carrying a pile of dirty plates into the dish area at the restaurant and a group of girls I work with are blocking my way. One of my male coworkers grabs two plates from me, “Let me get this for you.” After I set the rest down, the girls are still talking. I overhear them complaining about another girl we work with who is on the floor talking to a table. When the girl walks in, the others fall silent. It’s always like this; there is always one girl who is on the bad side of the rest for the week.

In college, I learned that girls are socialized to cooperate. Our childhood games, like playing house, are collaborative and involve reaching compromises. We are taught to be social and nurturing. My professors may be satisfied with that description of female behavior, but my coworkers and my high school friends tell a far different tale. When we grow out of pigtails, we enter a world in which competition vies with cooperation in the form of temporary alliances and enmity.

I brought this up to ask a simple question: when was the last time another woman complimented you? When was the last time a woman looked you in the eye and sincerely admitted to admiring something about you? When was the last time you complimented another woman? When was the last time you did it without comparing yourself to them (i.e. I wish I had such smooth skin as you do)?

I love to notice details about women. How the shade of a blouse brings out the color of her eyes, how lovely the necklace she’s wearing is, how silky her hair looks, how sensual her perfume is. I notice how graceful she moves, the notes of her laughter, the shape of her hips. Yet somehow, giving a simple compliment feels taboo. Even with your closest friends. It feels almost like too much intimacy; that I am showing a weakness or baring my heart.

How many of us only hear negative comments from other women? How does this help our self esteem? How does this help us empower one another? How can we have any sort of sisterhood when we have nothing good to say to one another?

How do we break away from this?

It’s time we invest in our self esteem enough to allow ourselves to like other women without fear that we will like ourselves less.

It’s time to come out of the “Compliment Closet” and stop being afraid of saying nice things to other women. We’re afraid they’ll think we’re coming on to them or we’re weird. We’re afraid of rejection or of our own words being used against us, but something has got to change.

I urge you to compliment one another sincerely. If you don’t feel it, then don’t say it, but if you think the shade she dyed her hair is amazing, say so. If you find yourself admiring her strength or passion, say so. Don’t be afraid of seeming silly. The genuine smile that lights her face is worth the risk.

Try to find something nice to say about every woman you meet. You don’t have to constantly be saying it out loud, but keep it in mind. You may assume your friends know you like them. It may be that they don’t know that you think that they are a great friend. Or maybe they just want to hear it. Tell them how lovely they are and how much you appreciate them. The positivity that you radiate will be reciprocated.

I say this as much for my benefit as for yours, and I am so grateful I now have a community like Hotel Bliss that exudes such positivity and admiration for one another. I hope we can maintain that attitude as we grow. I get perverse pleasure from quoting a Puritan but we are a city upon a hill. You ladies are shining examples for me and for others, so let’s show how wonderful, uplifting, creative, beautiful, and ethical bi girls can be.

No, you can’t watch!

I had just started dating someone, when I made a big mistake. I mentioned my ex girlfriend. You could see the wheels in his mind crashing to a grinding halt. I blushed in the silence and said, “I’m bi…..” Then I added, “But I don’t do threesomes!”

His answer, “Well then, what’s the point?”

I rarely get a negative response from a man for being openly bisexual. This response really struck me. It reminds me of another, more common response: “Can I watch?”

I don’t do threesomes, and no you can’t watch. And so, the appeal of my bisexuality is lost completely on most men.

Sometimes it’s hard being a bisexual woman. We are seen as promiscuous, attention-starved means for men to live out their fantasies of two girls at once. We are seen as dishonest and that we have it “easy” because we can “masquerade” as straight and don’t have people railing against a bisexual agenda. Yet let me tell you, when a man sees no point and no beauty in your bisexuality because it isn’t serving his own sexual needs, it can make you question the point of it all and whether bisexual women have it all that “easy”.

I’m bisexual, but that doesn’t mean I am incapable of devoting myself to one person.

I’m bisexual but that doesn’t mean I want my intimate moments with the man or woman I choose to love to be put on display for someone else.

If only he knew then how much his comment had hurt me. And how often I heard it echoed in the responses of other men.

That is part of the appeal of joining a website like Hotel Bliss. Instead of having your sexuality treated like a tool for other men, it is celebrated and enshrined for what it is by other women who have been made to feel as isolated and objectified as you, yourself, have felt at times. You are not alone and you are not an object. The beauty and openness you show by being bisexual is amazing. We need more ethical, honest, lovely bi-girls like yourselves in the world.