Just Want To Put Something Out Into the Universe
Written by lacivia on May 29, 2008 – 5:10 pm -When growing up my childhood, to say the least was non-existent. I suffered much sexual, physical, emotional abuse and neglect. A lot had to do with the lack of parenting skills by my mother. Mind you I am not one of those people who blame her. I wouldn’t trade my hardships for the world. I have gained a lot of knowledge and helped others with it. I work really hard to heal though wounds almost daily. But something happened last night that made so much of it all just disappear…..
My mother called last night. We started the conversation with the normal miss you’s and I love you’s.
Then she said, “I wish I could go back in time to like when you were ten.”
I responded, “I wouldn’t want that, I put you through so much and went through so much”
“I just wish I would have been a better mother to you” (mom)
“You have been a wonderful mother in so many ways.” (me)
“No, I wasn’t and I just want you to know that if I could go back in time, I would give you the world. You deserve it.” (mom)
Needless to say hearing it, and typing it now brings me to such a joyful, healing, beautiful, crying place. I’ve never felt more proud or more love for my mother!
Posted in FAMILY |
The Wedding
Written by dirtygurrrl on May 23, 2008 – 8:30 pm -I went to the wedding today. Over the past few days, I thought about the wedding. Who wouldn’t? And I had come to the place where I was just really happy that they are getting married. I wasn’t even thinking about all the benefits my children would reap at this point. It was all just about the happy couple. When I see the two of them together, it really does feel like it was meant to be. I’m involved in a beautiful relationship with the most amazing and understanding man. And every day I marvel at the wonderland that my life has become. So everyone wins in this situation. We’re all so busy being happy that there really isn’t time to fuss about anything. Corny, huh? But it’s true!
I make my polite hellos and exchange hugs as I walk through the house in search of a family member. And I find my sons looking astoundingly handsome next to their father. They are wearing three identical tuxedos and they are just lovely. My ex-husband introduces me to someone and says “This is Polli, my ex-wife. So now I get to just call her my friend”. And I know that everything is going to be just fine. So, I settle in to catch up a bit with the people I haven’t seen and drink a screwdriver or two to pass the time. Surprisingly, I run into a good friend of mine from college. We haven’t seen each other in ages and she really is a kindred spirit. Just as spunky and wild as I can be, and a true hedonist! And we chat and flirt and have a great time until the wedding starts.
My little ones are both ring bearers, and are proudly carrying their pillows next to their dad. And the bride comes down the garden path in a stunning white gown. And she is just so very beautiful. I’m snapping pictures like crazy and just thrilled to be there. And as I watch the ceremony, and the sincerity and conviction in his eyes as he says his vows, I’m reminded of the time when I stood across from that same man. And we spoke those same words, and laughed as the justice of the peace called him by the wrong name. Their formal wedding is a contrast to the white mini-dress and 6 guests at my wedding. And as I watched, all I could think was that we were so young. We had no idea who we were or what we were promising. We fumbled around and played at being a married couple. But we made so many mistakes. We’re just lucky to have two beautiful boys to show for our time together. I really feel like our marriage was the dress rehearsal. We were each learning how to be one half of a loving pair. And it prepared us each for the wonderful relationships we get to have now. Seeing them hold hands and kiss and cheering them as they proceeded off to the reception was one of the true and pure joys of my day.
I went to find the bride. And we kissed and cried and as I hugged her, I whispered “Blessed Be” in her ear. And we just stood there and gushed at each other, grinning from ear to ear with happy tears running down our cheeks. My ex pulled me aside to tell me that he’s really glad that I’m the mother of his children. And my old college girlfriend chimed in with “She’s the mother of Becky’s children too!” And we all laughed and hugged and dabbed the tears some more.
I went there worried that my presence would upset people, or that they would pity me or show some other upsetting disdain. And I will say that there was more than one raised eyebrow today. And I got to relish the surprise and the shock and just not care. Because the people who mattered. . .the core of people who were a part of our marriage and divorce, were surprised, but in a good way. And each one of them took me aside at some point to let me know that they were so pleased that I made it to the party. I loved being notable without detracting at all from the most important couple. And look at this. . .
Isn’t that the look of love! It is so good to see two people who matter to me so happy together.
So, all is rosy in my world! My old college friend gave me her number with a saucy wink and a promise to “get to know each other again”! And in one week, I’ll be in Valdosta getting the house ready for my pilot’s return from Africa! I’m all but twitching from the excitement of just thinking about seeing him again and the wonderful mischief we’ll dream up! Oh, and the kisses. . .mmmm
~nuff said
Dirty Gurrrl
Posted in FAMILY, RELATIONSHIPS |