Hotel Bliss Guest Blog

“The Girl”

Before the story, some background information:

I was raised in a very strict fundamental Christian family, and was home schooled all of my “growing up” years. All things not strictly following the laws laid down by our church or the Bible were to be dealt with immediately and harshly. Obviously, this included bisexuality. Guess I’m outta luck!

Her name was Emilie, and I was in love. She was “The Girl” – the one that made me realize my blessing and my curse, the one that brought everything into focus just for a little while. I adored her. We had met through a mutual friend at church, and there was instantly a connection. There was so much to like! She was outrageous, blasphemous, daring – everything I wasn’t allowed to be.

I was 13 at the time, and was just becoming aware of my sexuality. As a young girl, I had no real idea what the difference was between a boy and a girl, and to be honest, I didn’t care. Isn’t that the way everybody is as a little kid? By this time, I think part of me knew I liked girls more than boys, but I was trying so hard to be the good girl, the one that my mom could be proud of (i.e. …not bisexual!), that I stifled my feelings for girls and instead went crazy for boys- but that story is for another time. Back to Emilie.

We instantly bonded and became fast friends over a single summer. We shared everything – all our girl secrets, our clothes, our lives, really. We even pretended like we were lesbians (to make the guys jealous, was our logic). Eventually, I became comfortable enough with her to share the one secret I’d kept.

I was going to spend the night at her house that evening, and was ready – even excited - to tell her. That evening was a tumultuous affair… I eventually did tell her, and she told me she was too. What terrific things I was told that night. We were made for each other; this was right, she loved me so much and had been dying to tell me. I was delighted! I had found a true confidant, and perhaps something more (in my innocence, I really wasn’t sure what more there could be, but I was sure there was something). We didn’t do anything sexually that night; we just enjoyed one another’s company and I fell even more in love. There was so much to explore with her, I couldn’t get over the depths of her personality.

About a week after I told her, we still hadn’t talked about it – which seemed a little odd. She had invited me up to her house again that weekend, and I was excited for “us time.” When I got there, she seemed so excited to see me. She even greeted me with a kiss on the lips, which was a first. We talked, watched movies, gossiped; it was just like always. The next morning, I said goodbye, still without a word about our supposed similarities in the sexual orientation department.

A few days later, she called me to tell me she wouldn’t be my friend anymore – a childish thing to do, in hindsight, but it broke my heart. She told me she didn’t really love me. She was scared of what I could make her become. I thought she was kidding. I could understand it if she’d just realized she wasn’t bi and didn’t want anything more than friendship to come of our relationship, I could even understand if she was nervous and wanted time to think. But she didn’t love me? We couldn’t be friends?

From then on, we saw each other a few times in passing – I by myself, the loner, she her true, bubbly and vivacious self, always surrounded by a half dozen or so adoring fans. On the occasions we saw each other, she would either go out of her way to avoid me or come right up to be and be so rude. It was ironic; the traits I loved most about her, her daring, her zest for everything, even her cruelty, were the things that hurt me so deeply after our short friendship ended.

Did I get over her? Yes. Have I moved on? Yes. Does it still hurt? Most certainly yes. For a long time after her, I never told anyone else my secret. I reverted back to pretending it didn’t exist – pretending I was normal. Eventually, I felt safe enough to tell again…but that story is for another time as well, maybe soon.

In all honesty, it wasn’t until the amazingly brilliant and talented Bliss Warrior befriended me on myspace that I was able to face my personal fears about bisexuality and embrace the beautiful being that I truly am.

I am still terrified of “straight” girls, though. I am constantly worrying about their every thought – do they really like me? Friends? More? Love? Nope, guess not.

To this day, I find it nearly impossible to hit on a girl; even in a bi and gay friendly atmosphere, I am nervous that I am going to find someone who gets me, only to realize they don’t, they were just pretending. Since Bliss Warrior, all that has begun to change. Every day is a new step towards what I desire to be, and every step is an exciting new adventure. Who will I meet this day? If I allow myself to be swept away, where will it take me? Now that Hotel Bliss is here, I know I have the community to fall back on, the support system I needed before I would be willing to jump. Thank you to all the wonderful girls on this site – may it bring all of you courage to take whatever steps you’ve been afraid of most. No matter what, know that we all are here, behind you, pulling you up when you fall, embracing you when you need love, sharing our hearts with you as you share yours with us.

That’s all for now…check back later for the next chapter in the life of me: The Lesbians Attack! 

Until then, my love to all of you!

Sybaritic